Unravel Me
by bjames238
Summary: Day 3 of Snowbarry Week 2019 - "halloween". Frost needs someone to accompany her on her next "life lesson" and Barry offers to go with as a distraction from his own issues.


**Unravel Me**

A.N. Day 3 of Snowbarry Week 2019 - "halloween". Struggled a bit with this one but a solid idea finally hit after watching Danielle's ep 6.06 and watching/reading a few of her interviews during the day. And of course, the fun holiday challenge day is the one that already had me bawling barely a paragraph in. Angst really does seem to be easier for me than fluff for some reason. (Even though this one was still a struggle throughout.) With this one there's a whole lotta that angst, but also some fun and goofiness, and then even more angst. Takes place immediately following Joe and Barry's heart to heart at the end of 6.04. Frost needs someone to accompany her on her next "life lesson" and Barry offers to go with. P.S. title and lyrics at the beginning come from Kate Voegele's beautiful song "Unfair"

_I don't know how much I can keep_

_Letting you unravel me_

'_Cause those who get to know our hearts the most_

_They always seem to be the ones we'll never hold_

Barry wandered aimlessly through Star Labs, his conversations with Cisco and Joe about the Crisis weighing heavily on his mind. He'd just watched his adopted father leave only moments ago, most likely catching up with Cecile in the parking lot before the two would go pick little Jenna up from the sitters.

He felt completely and utterly drained, absolutely spent both emotionally and mentally. Most of all he hated that all of it was hurting the ones he loved most. He'd made his own peace with dying and understood the importance of it to protect his friends and family, but understandably none of them were taking it so well.

He felt, more than anything, that the most important goal he had before the Crisis was to prepare them all both as his fellow heroes and his friends. Though he felt one was going to be easier than the other.

The building was seemingly empty as he wandered the endless hallways as he guessed everyone had already gone home before Joe and Cecile had. He'd thought Iris would be waiting for him, but a quick check of his phone told him she had to stop at her office quick and she'd see him at home later. He sighed, pocketing his phone again. Of all of them, he'd expected his wife to have the hardest time accepting the news of his impending death but she seemed the most calm about it. She'd been great supporting him with all of it, but . . . he couldn't help but not understand how she was taking it better than he himself was.

Setting those thoughts aside, he continued his slow travel through the building. He could use his speed to race home or even find Iris at her office but he just walked at a normal pace. He thought about all the memories that lined the walls of Star Labs, from the good to the bad, from the fun to the terrifying. The moments he'd thought would be his last, the moments of triumph . . . . the final moments of heroes who'd sacrificed themselves before him. So many past memories . . . it killed him inside that he wouldn't be there for the future but he didn't see any way around it to give his friends and family the chance the chance to actually make those future memories.

He passed by the training room, just thinking of his first days at Star Labs with his powers, when he caught sight of a fresh icicle lodged in the doorframe. Raising an eyebrow, he peeked his head in the door - and had to lunge out of the way of an incoming ice spike.

"Get out of the way!"

He looked up from where he'd scrambled to the floor to find Frost glaring at him with her hands on her hips.

"Geez, Flash - outta be more careful. Wouldn't wanna accidentally kill ya first before this Crisis whats-it." She rolled her eyes, creating another icicle in her hand and twirling it around.

"I didn't know anyone else was still here." He stood up, dusting off his clothes.

"Eh, nowhere else to really go." Frost shrugged. "Caity's place is boring - doesn't really feel right to be there anyways."

"I get that." He said. "Because it's her home - one that she built for herself with the things she likes."

"Yeah . . . she told me I could redecorate if I wanted to, and even set up her guest room so I could keep some stuff in there. Just . . ." Frost trailed off, the icicle disappearing.

"Not really the same?" Barry guessed.

Frost nodded, hands falling to her side. "So . . . pretty heavy day for Team Flash. Isn't this supposed to be one of the fun holidays?"

"Halloween? Yeah . . . usually more for kids though, and their parents. People who go to bars or parties with costume contests I guess." He scrunched his face, letting out a heavy sigh. "I suppose since becoming The Flash, halloween just isn't as fun anymore when you wear a costume everyday."

"That's . . . awfully dark for you, Flash." She narrowed her eyes and he'd almost think she was Caitlin if her hair weren't still white. "You okay there?"

"What? Yeah, I'm fine. Just . . . long day, I guess. The usual. " He cleared his throat. "Hey didn't you have another 'life lesson' planned with Coach Ralph tonight? Some kind of field trip?"

She watched him suspiciously, obviously not buying his avoidance and subject change. "Right . . . we were going to go to the halloween festival thing downtown. But yeah he took off. Said he had something to take care of. Or was it a lead he was following up on? Something, I dunno. Kinda figured I'd just skip it - it'll probably be dumb anyways."

Barry smiled, chuckling fondly. "My parents used to take me to that before . . . everything. Joe wanted to take Iris and me the first year I lived with them but I wouldn't go. Too stubborn, too many memories. They went without me, and I stayed in my room all night pouting and throwing things around. Never went after that either, and never went trick or treating again."

"That doesn't sound healthy." She mused.

"No, it's probably not. By the time I worked through most of my grief, I just figured I'd take my kids to the festival and trick or treating someday but . . ." He stopped, images of his friends and family disintegrating in front of him flashing through his mind.

"Barry?"

He shook the images from his head, focusing blurry eyes on Frost who stood over him from where he now lay on the ground. On her face was a worried expression he'd gotten from Caitlin more times than he could count."W-What . . ." He stuttered.

"You passed out. You were talking, and then you stopped - and then you were down before I could do anything. What the hell, Flash?" She scowled, grabbing his hand roughly to take his pulse.

He pulled his hand away, shaking his head. "I'm fine - fine. I swear." He rose slowly to his feet. "I think I just need to eat something."

"Dude, you're lucky that Caity's apparently sleeping in here." Frost crossed her arms. "She would've definitely freaked out on you for not taking care of yourself."

"Seems you're doing that just fine, Dr. Frost." He sighed, rolling his eyes only for Frost to bring back the death glare she and Caitlin were infamous for. "I'm fine, seriously. In fact, I have an idea. We'll go to this halloween festival together - you get to do all the fun stuff and there's bound to be food there for me to charge up on. Two birds with one stone, win-win."

"You'd really go with me?" Frost's eyes were wide.

"Yeah, why not? No time like the present to live in the moment, right? Besides, I could use a fun distraction right now." He shrugged. "Consider it a continuation of your birthday party."

"Hmm . . . cool." She smirked.

"Yeah - we'll even dress up and everything. Whole nine yards." He took off running, returning moments later. "There - perfect."

Frost looked down and her eyes widened, finding herself wearing multi-colored floral bell-bottoms and a matching vest, a yellow tank top, an orange headband, and tall white high-heeled boots. She looked up at Barry, huffing.

"Hey - not a stitch of pink on there. Scout's honor." Barry held up his hands in surrender, barely holding back a laugh.

Her nose scrunched up in disgust. "But it's flowers."

"Halloween is 'come as you aren't' day." He shrugged, "Seemed perfect for you."

"Yeah, yeah - you're lucky there's no pink." She tugged at the outfit. "What the hell are you supposed to be - one of those barber shop guys who sings bad songs?" She snorted, her hand on her mouth.

"What? No . . ." He looked down at his own costume - the white dress pants and white shoes, orange and red and white striped jacket with the matching hat, blue bow tie, cane, and white gloves. "It's Bert - from Mary Poppins. You know . . . _It's a jolly 'oliday with Mary, Mary makes your heart so light_." He sang a couple bars. Frost just stared at him. "Dick Van Dyke? Julie Andrews?"

"No clue, Flash." She laughed.

Barry shook his head. "Uncool. Remind me to have Ralph add musicals to your life lessons."

"Yeah, we'll see about that one." She was still laughing. "At least you look more ridiculous than I do."

"Can't mess with the classics." He shrugged, straightening his bow tie. "Okay Frost let's go get our party on." He grabbed hold of her and ran them both downtown where the festival was taking place.

And so Barry introduced Frost to the simple nostalgic pleasures of a small town halloween festival. To his surprise, she took to the large crowds and multitudes of small children much better than he thought she would. In fact it was as if she transformed into a big kid of sorts herself. It was refreshingly amusing to see the alter ego of one of his best friends enjoy herself so much - even more amusing to see her attempt to bob for apples.

At first she was failing miserably, not even able to latch on to even one apple. But then she got one and that was all the confidence she needed, because then she didn't miss even one. When the game keeper stopped the clock and called 'time,' Frost was ruled the winner by a landslide.

Barry almost lost it laughing when one young teenage girl stared at Frost in awe afterwards, tugging at her arms and begging her to give up her makeup secrets because it didn't smear the entire time her face was in the barrel. Frost acted cool, waving the teen off, giving her some flip answer about grown up secrets, but Barry could tell his frosty friend was enjoying the attention.

She soaked up all the festival had to offer, insisting on participating in everything. She carved a pumpkin (with snowflake and icicle shapes), pinned the bowtie (blindfolded) on the skeleton, tossed the candy corn shaped bean bags, putted golf balls into hollowed out pumpkins, tossed the rings onto the points of witch's hats, and stuck her hands in all of the jars of ooey gooeys to guess what was in them. Barry was laughing the whole way through, enjoying all of it - especially when Frost would snip at the parents who didn't want an adult playing the games with their children. But she was behaving well considering her ex-villain status, and even Barry thought the parents were being extra difficult.

Barry joined in on some, but mostly just ate the whole way through and snapped hilarious pictures of Frost to use as leverage later. He snacked on the caramel apples, candy, chocolate, hot dogs, burgers, and other deserts often thinking it would have been amazing to have as a kid the metabolism he had as the Flash.

Later on the two of them joined in with the kids and even some adults without kids on their trick or treating tour through some of the better parts of town. Frost scored quite the haul of candy, though Barry didn't have the heart to tell her that Caitlin would probably get rid of all of it as soon as she found it.

Toward the end of the night, they came across a little girl dressed in an XS speedster costume and Barry just about lost it on sight. Frost had seen her first, obviously trying to distract him but he still saw it.

His heart ached, mourning the loss of his future daughter all over again and he nearly passed out again. It was just too much, too soon.

Knowing that some little girl he'd never met looked up to his daughter as a hero made him so proud but tore him apart all the same. He knew that if he did die in the upcoming crisis, there was a chance Nora would never be born and the thought of that hurt worse than of his own death.

It was then that Frost dragged him away from all the kids and into the first bar they found. He sat numbly on the stool as she ordered them drinks.

"C'mon Flash, drink up." She slid a shot glass across the bar toward him. "Even if you can't get drunk, you can still forget your troubles, and I'll forget that I'm wearing this many flowers." She held up the glass. "To forgetting."

Barry released a heavy sigh, picking up the glass and clinking it with hers. "Forgetting…." He mumbled, downing the shot as she did the same.

"Whoo, that is some good grownup stuff." She slammed the glass on the table. "The halloween festival was fun, but this is my idea of a good time. Caity never has any fun."

"She can be a lot of fun actually." The smallest of smirks cracked in the corner of Barry's lips, remembering Grease karaoke and a Caitlin who had probably more fun than she should have.

"Eh, she's too buttoned up." Frost scrunched her face, downing another shot.

"How's she doing in there?" Barry asked, hoping for a distraction from his own pain.

Frost shrugged - swallowing down a couple more shots. "She's mostly been quiet since I took over more. But, um, she yelled at me for using her credit cards to buy all that art. She's making me volunteer at a soup kitchen twice a week as payment since the art can't be refunded."

"So you got more life lessons as punishment, huh?" Barry shook his head, smirking.

"Yeah not the fun kind. She said she'd make me get a job but since I'd be applying as her it wouldn't really work. And . . . she said she was afraid my temper would get me fired anyways, or worse." Barry just laughed out loud. Frost glared at him. "What the hell is so funny?"

It was a few minutes before he was able to answer without laughing more. "I'm sorry I'm just trying to picture you with a job. Like what, flipping burgers? Retail?" Her glare hardened and she poked his shoulder. "Ow - what was that for?!"

"Geez Flash, you're mean." She scrunched her nose. "No idea why Caity . . ." But the rest of her words were lost on Barry as she swallowed down another shot.

"But she's still okay in there, right?" Barry asked again.

"Caity's fine, Flash. As long as I can still feel her in there, she's good. Though the more I drink dunno how long that's gonna last. Won't be feeling much of anything really." Frost broke out into a fit of giggles.

Barry just looked up at her in amusement, shaking his head. If someone had told him even three years earlier that he'd be sitting at a bar with a drunk-off-her-ass-_Killer Frost_ he'd have never believed it.

Frost didn't really slow down with the booze after that, as much as Barry tried to stop her. Which was when Barry found out that while Frost could definitely hold her liquor better than Caitlin, she was still as silly a drunk.

By the end of the night, Barry dragged a stubborn Frost away from the booze and dropped her off at home, with her bag of candy and all. Convinced she was fine enough to take care of herself from there, he was just about to turn to leave when a voice stopped him.

"Barry?"

He turned around, shocked to find Caitlin staring back at him. Somehow she looked smaller in the flower power outfit he'd gotten for Frost, her dark hair suiting the outfit better. "Hey Cait. Need saving from the evil dress again? Or...yeah. You know what I mean."

She smiled sadly, "I think it's you that needs saving this time, mister."

He sighed, shaking his head. "We've all already gone over this - there's nothing we can do but be prepared for what's inevitable."

"Yeah well my vote was a little delayed." She crossed her arms, huffing and then looking down. "What the hell am I wearing!? What are _you_ wearing!?"

"Halloween festival with Frost - but you'd know that if you'd been paying attention in there." His voice was more bitter than he intended. "Same as you'd know we've all moved on past avoidance and denial to the acceptance part of all this."

"I don't for one second believe that - of any of them. Or of you." She threw back. "There has to be another way." She stumbled a little, just about tripping on her own feet. "Whoa . . ."

"Hey now." Barry stepped forward, guiding her down to the couch and sitting next to her. Their squabbling from moments ago forgotten, one of his hands rested on her back and the other held on to her hand while she adjusted her equilibrium.

"Geez Barry, how much did you let Frost drink!?" Caitlin's face paled green for a moment and Barry tensed, ready to go grab something for her to get sick in. But then she took a deep breath, holding on to her head.

"I didn't exactly let her do anything - you know as well as I do that she's just as stubborn as you are." Barry pointed out. He sat back, still watching her to make sure she didn't have another dizzy spell.

Caitlin scrunched her face, closing her eyes. "Oh I know. Ugh she is so dealing with this hangover in the morning."

"Yeah, good luck with that." He chuckled.

She opened her eyes and glared at him, before dissolving into a fit of giggles not unlike the ones Frost had had all night. "Pleeeaaasssseee tell me you got pictures of her in this outfit!"

"Only like a dozen when she wasn't looking." Barry confirmed proudly.

"Nice!" She high fived him, giggling again before her face turned serious. "But I mean it, Barry Allen, we're going to find a way to save you. I know we will. We're a team, and we always figure something out."

"Frost is so going to tease you for being so positive again, Dr. Snow." Barry smirked.

"Yeah, she probably would but I don't mean it any less." Caitlin shrugged. "Besides, she's passed out so hard right now I think I can actually hear her snoring in there."

"Doesn't surprise me, she drank so much I'm surprised she didn't pass out sooner." Barry muttered.

"So she had fun?" Caitlin asked, a soft smile on her face.

"Dude, she was a halloween party animal." Barry pulled out his phone, thumbing through and showing her the photos he took. They both laughed at the silly pictures. "Another highly successful life lesson, I'd say."

"That's good, I'm glad she enjoyed herself." Caitlin nodded. "And thanks for going with her, I think she was really disappointed that Ralph was busy and couldn't go."

"It was fun for me too," Barry shrugged. "All this crisis stuff was just too much - and after the disaster with Ramsey today the distraction was welcome."

"You're holding together really well, all things considered." Caitlin assured him.

"Trying to at least. I mean, it's not like I haven't faced death before but . . .." He sighed.

"This feels different." Caitlin looked down at her hands for a moment. "Barry, I . . . I don't know if this is because of the alcohol still in my system or something else but, ah, there's something I need to tell you."

"Cait?"

When she looked up, there were tears in her eyes. "We've known each other a long time now, been through a lot. We've cheated death, faced the worst of the worst - including the worst of ourselves. And we've changed, grown up. Learned from our mistakes. Loved and lost - more than once." Her voice cracked, even through the smile her lips curled into. She reached over and took hold of his hand, the tears dropping onto their skin. "But you - you've got Iris and she loves you so much. The two of you give me hope that someday I might have a love at least as half as strong as yours. I still believe we're going to find a way for all of us to make it through this crisis but if not," She sniffled, closing her eyes for a moment. "I just need to say this out loud. I need you to hear it, if I'm really going to lose you soon." She continued.

Barry froze, her words and tears a shock to his system.

"I-I think I've kinda been in love with you for awhile now, on some level. But I've always pushed it down because you're so happy with Iris, and you're both my friends and I could never do anything to hurt either of you."

"Cait, I-"

"I know, and I know that this won't change things. I just needed you to hear it, even though you don't feel the same. Because if we really do lose you, at least you'll know." She looked away. "When I first figured out that Frost wanted a life, I still had second thoughts about letting her have some control even though I told her it was okay. But then you told us about the Monitor and the crisis, and I let Frost have more control. I used it as a crutch, a hideout, to avoid facing you and what the possibility of losing you meant to me. I've lost so much already - my dad, Ronnie, Dr Stein, and so many others, but the thought of losing you scared me most of all."

"Caitlin-" His voice dropped.

"It's okay, really. I get it." She sniffled, smiling. "You should go home, to Iris. I think . . . yeah I need to go to bed. If I can find it. Um . . ."

Barry swallowed down a shiver down his spine, unsure of what to do or say. He watched her struggle to take the flowered vest off as she kicked the bag of candy where Frost left it.

"Bag of candy's definitely gotta go . . . think someone needs a dentist lesson next. Ugh too drunk for teeth brushing . . ." Caitlin muttered under her breath, though Barry still heard it. He found himself smiling even as he was still processing Caitlin's words from earlier. "'Night Barry." Caitlin yawned, closing her bedroom door behind her.

Barry was left standing in the middle of her living room, scratching his head wondering what the hell just happened. He could hear the sounds of Caitlin snoring through the door, and then his phone buzzed in his shirt pocket. He knew before he even looked that it was Iris wondering where he was.

With a heavy and uncertain sigh, he took off in a flash leaving Caitlin to sleep it off and him toward home, to Iris.

* * *

They all survived crisis - just barely, though some of their friends from other teams did not. Frost was injured quite early on, to no fault of her own, and spent most of the fight unconscious on the Waverider where Gideon's A.I. tech could patch her up. Barry continued fighting with the others, always with Caitlin's drunken confession in the back of his mind as he trusted in the A.I. his future self created to heal her.

The lowest point of devastation came when the Monitor informed both Barry and Iris that because crisis came early and because of the timeline changes, that their daughter as they'd known her from the future was gone and wouldn't be returning, even as a child. They didn't believe it, at first, but when Cisco used his newly-returned vibing powers and confirmed it they all but lost hope. They grew apart, they started fighting, and their marriage was soon over. Iris moved herself and her newspaper to Coast City, and Barry stayed in Central City. He mourned the end of his marriage and loss of the daughter he'd never have alone, pushing everyone else away.

All the while, Frost had been living more of life away from Central City. She hopped a ride with the Legends for a while, helping them clean up time anachronisms. She spent some time in Star City with Mia Smoak and the Canaries fixing the city. She even went to Supergirl's National City, working with Alex at the D.E.O. and shadowing Kara at CatCo.

Of course Barry learned all of this from Cisco and Ralph, both of whom kept in contact with both sides of her. He hadn't seen much of Caitlin or Frost since she woke up after crisis from what Gideon had called a quasi-coma. Either she'd been avoiding him or Frost kept her busy, neither of which made him feel any better.

Crisis was over, but everything felt just as broken and bleak as before. And he was even more uncertain than ever before.

And then he overheard that Caitlin was back in Central City for the first time after months away. He wasn't even sure how, but somehow he found himself standing outside her door in the middle of the night.

He stood there in the dark for what seemed like hours, just staring at the door. The last few years played through his mind like a movie in his head, with Caitlin as the lead character. Her confession of her feelings echoed in his mind like a voiceover, ringing in his ears over and over. Soon the sun started to rise, and it wasn't until then that he realized he had a stack of dvd's in his hand.

He was just contemplating whether to knock on the door or take off when the door opened and Caitlin was staring at him with wide-eyed shock as she bumped into him.

"Barry!?" She raised an eyebrow.

He held up the stack of dvd's. "Musical marathon?" She just stared at him, tilting her head. "Look, I know it's been a while and everything's changed. We all almost died - but we didn't. We survived. We're still here, still alive and fighting the good fight. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about that night, on halloween. What you said."

She bit her bottom lip, "Barry, I-"

"No, I don't think you get it." His voice cracked. "You almost died - I watched you fall on the battlefield and I couldn't get to you. I had to watch Sara and the Legends take you away to the Waverider and I had to keep fighting."

"Barry, I'm okay. I've been okay, we talked before I left after I woke up." She assured him. "But you don't seem okay."

"Because you haven't been here." His voice was loud.

"Ssh!" She pulled him inside her apartment, shutting the door behind them. "Are you trying to wake up my neighbors!?" She scolded, her eyebrows pinched. But then her features softened, and she sighed. "Cisco and Ralph told me about the divorce - are you okay? I'd ask if you were drunk, but, yeah I know you can't be."

Barry rolled his eyes. "Not for lack of trying. Everything sucks, and I just want to forget."

"The last time Frost tried to do that, it didn't end so well." She reminded him.

"I . . . I think I'm in love with you too." Barry's tone was calm. "I think I always have been but I was too blinded by everything else to see it. Too caught up in what I thought I should want and need, and not paying attention to what I was actually feeling."

She opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off.

"I mean it, Cait. I'm serious. This isn't some rebound or reaction or bad judgement or mid life crisis. This is me, finally knowing what I want. Who I want. And it's you." He held up one of the dvd's - Mary Poppins. "So what do you say, Dr. Snow? Everything is possible, even the impossible. Even for the Flash and Killer Frost."

She watched him skeptically for a few more moments, before she rolled her eyes and laughed, winding her arms around his neck. "Barry Allen, you and your cheesy musicals."

"You'll learn to love me for it." He smirked confidently.

"Oh I already do," She blushed. "And I've already seen Mary Poppins, by the way, and Mary Poppins Returns actually. It's Frost that needs a musical education - though I could always rewatch them too. I've always loved musicals since I was a kid."

Barry's eyes lit up and he kissed her. "You really are the perfect woman, you know that?"

"Practically perfect in every way, you might say." She beamed - Barry's heart just about stopped it burst so much. She hooked her arm in his. "C'mon Bert, let's go back to Cherry Tree Lane. We can quiz Frost afterwards."

"I'll be much obliged, Mary." He tipped an imaginary hat and they set off to the living room for their magical adventures, humming Chim-Chim-Cher-ee under his breath.

_~fin~_

_A.N. Yeah they totally named their future kids after musical characters, 100%. And also, Frost failed her Mary Poppins quiz mostly because she tuned the lovebirds out and didn't pay attention to the movie._

_A.A.N. All references/lyrics from Mary Poppins and Mary Poppins Returns belongs to Disney and P.L. Travers._

_A.A.N.N. End section after Crisis is entirely speculatory cuz none of us know what's going to happen in the crossover yet. Also, put Frost on the injured list cuz we already know we won't see much of Danielle in the crossovers and this was my possible explanation for it (though they better not injure her or anything else in the show!)._


End file.
